Letters from the Sunday lab

The simple writings in life aren't about simple topics, they are about extremely complex realities written in simple ways. Sometimes sitting at the student building on a Sunday afternoon is the best place to write about it. I am a graduate student and so this weekend doesn't come as a surprise for me , like the ones I phase out as I value writing something meaningful, between lines of codes. Between the shuttles I missed near the Dunn Meadow when it was just starting to rain, and sometimes going on a round trip on a bus, waiting for it to stop. The songs and playlists we put on repeat and the ones we play when the labs are empty.

There is a strange routine that haunts us at times, the realization that we can be bound in between the courses , the submissions and the semesters and that the bounded selves, the desirability to do something different is often a choice. We can still find company between the coffee breaks which often last longer than the class, the pizza slices among meetings that draws us into real conversations. Between the facebook posts and likes alike and between the weekends we deserve, I wish we lost more time to coffee breaks, and in trying to write something simple.

For now I feel the empty IMU halls, the slow flow of elevator doors bells, and the closed doors keeps the chaos away, from the next Monday. I still believe there should be more places than labs to write, and to be able to convince you that there are more reasons than one to read. For now I choose to write from here, as I pick up on the bugs and nuances that threaten my world among computer. Far away from writing,  and probably what might remain just as a dog eared page on my lab notebook, I see the spring outside, and the breeze that makes me wait for rain.

I fear not. .

I fear not those who have come and gone, 

Neither those who couldn't leave, and stayed in my mind

I fear not the end, my story has only begun,

And yet for a moment I stray from the road, I am hard to find

 

 

 

I fear not the dwellings of the day, the view outside never bores my heart,

Among writing that I can listen to in my mind, I read but only to you my friend

I fear no one is reading the end, and hence I write of no endings, as I start

And in the colder mornings of a warm summer day, I write of things, of which we all pretend

We merely wrote

No we didn't live, we didn't die,
We didn't win and yet have let the winners walk by,

We didn't console , we didn't grief,
We didn't break away from love, because that was somethign we couldn't believe.

We didn't return to the same places, we never left,
We never gave away the whole of us, it was among the things I never even kept

We didn't believe in time, it was as ephemeral as somethign we merely count,
We didn't keep track of memories as we looked back to our lost and found

We didn't flinch, we didn't laugh or cry,
We simply learned to keep a straight face , we learned to survive

We were never broken hearted, we were broken as a whole,
And yet the pieces were never mine to keep, and so I was told

We were never real and yet you seemed to be as real as reality can be,
You were in footsteps and knock on the doors, are you hoping the silence will set me free?

On the perfect response to life’s most imperfect explanation

"On the perfect response to life’s most imperfect explanation"

Calvin’s Dad: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.

Calvin: I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?

There is a notion that the world was written before we knew it, the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. Our doing and the things that can be done and those that cannot be undone. Imagine a handbook to life that reminds you that it's not as simple as it seems. The moments that are fair and the times that it turns unfair.

                                  I wander in the weary nights more often thinking the world around me has a better idea, but I get the feeling they are all looking for it too. The amazing thing about life is that it never stops asking question and it always expects answers.Here's to life

I wonder some nights if we could be friend,

If you would keep your questions aside and just write to me and press send.

Envy the world sometimes with me sit by my side,

Promise me just for today, no matter what you'll always abide.

I wonder some nights if you changed your number or if you simply refuse to call,

The one's that are long forgotten to you, that I hope yet in time you will recall.

Be fair my friend, even if just for a day so true,

Listen to the unfair writings, the jokes and still believe I am still living you.

On the unspoken truth behind the education system

"On the unspoken truth behind the education system
Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations."

In the days to come our generation would have passed on things that have been effective only on pages of a book. Worked on issues that have resolved nothing but simply added more to what is existing. Taken smaller steps towards changes, not because we are scared, but because we are urged to take the safer steps ahead. Our own time has fallen to the idea that learning and education are somewhat synonyms to the same cause and effect. We have learned to acknowledge facts but not add to them and yet we keep fighting with ourselves for a change.

In tomorrow's debates and worlds aside we have learned that nothing and no one can be responsible for being how forgetful we have become of the things that do and do not matter. Our knowledge is no longer dredged upon by the curious minds alike but dragged along the sight of ulterior motives that I encourage you to explore.

On providence’s lack of a timetable

"On the falling of sparrows (or providence’s lack of a timetable)
Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one."

We are constantly threatened by what we cannot see, hold or touch. Sometimes even bothered by the things we cannot feel. We are worried about the things we wish did happen at the times we needed it the most. About our complains and regrets being heard somehow.

Life is not fair, and it never will let you choose what you can and cannot wish from it. The surprises are the little things in life that catch you off guard, the insights that we find in other people and the little knowledge we gain every single day. Life is truly full of surprises, and not always when you need them. But that still doesn't mean we stop expecting, we stop hoping.

On why we are scared of the dark

"On why we are scared of the dark
Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction."

Our greatest victory our closest nights are often found when we knew we didn't give up we put up a fight. Our fears may bind us sometimes when its dark and lonely, when the absolute idea that the nothingness around you is what worries you the most. We fear something when we don't understand something, we fear when nothing makes sense when it is supposed to and we fear because we feel we have no one to share our fears with.

It binds us, constrains us and sometimes limits the flight of thoughts knowing there's nothing or no one to fall back to. I yearn you to dream, to imagine a world where your greatest fear is realized only because you want to face them and to keep a friend around. Even in the darkest nights your fears will only distract you, if you allow it to.

On expectations

"On expectations
Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"

We are often restricted when we sit behind our desks defining happiness, setting up scale, often not realizing it is simply a state of mind. Our greatest fears, our regrets and our joys are those which are never obvious to you. They strike

 you when you least expect it.

Understand that the most amazing things about life, some of the most beautiful ones in life are about moments that are yet to be realized. They are beyond what we have written, realized or even felt sometimes. We need to be better everyday, we need to be euphoric even if we don't demand it from life sometimes.

On life’s constant little limitations

Few days back I was reading about the 16 best things Calvin and Hobbes said and I said I will pick up writing a little about all of them as I share it with you.

"On life’s constant little limitations
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help."

Doing things your way is always the tougher part, accepting that life isn't about rationalizing things, its about living it sometimes. Life isn't about being right all the time, its about having a game face when you lose too.Friends are never about drawing boundaries, its about crossing them anyways that matters. It's about life's constant constraints that keeps it interesting.

Publishing or Perishing Ideas

We were all born to a time of ideas, as ideas were born to us. We reclaimed scraps , bits and pieces of the science that has been left behind from great thinkers. We have learned to expand upon that work and build as we go along. The idea was to grown in inkling of freedom in terms of thinking, where we hadn't been marred by thousands of pages of what people have already done. Sometimes if not often leaving us with very little to be enthusiastic about and lot lesser to challenge to rectify. The methods haven't grown but the software have, the tools have become simpler and the data sets have become larger in some sense. Though I seriously question the notion of incremental research, it's still research isn't it?       

For those who have lurked the hallways of graduate life, and worked hours in continuation. I earnestly believe you realize the concept  "Every day is a working day". For people who love to experiment I applaud the man hours and the effort to understand hypothesis and the build blocks of science, and for those who keep looking for answers in mathematical models, there's always more simulations to run and get better at. I always wondered is it still science of what we hand out is still pieces of application only tailored to our needs?

                                                We were born to a time of ideas, and yet those are the only things we never work with sometime. For the few who cherish the birth of something new, I applaud your courage and the willingness to go the extra mile. And for those who are buried under literature reviews, and poster competitions, life oddly isn't all about "Publish or Perish", it perishing without something worth wile. In the annals of academia and halls that are decked with grand gestures in science and applications, I find a great divide between intellectual freedom of what can be achieved and what is sometimes allowed to be achieved. For the few who believe that their R(squared) results are statistically significant, I am happy they find happiness in the conclusions that we derive. As far as the rest of the world is concerned science has gone askew from real life , the models don't fit and for the buried souls in energy drinks and coffee alike, there's nothing more enthralling than an idea.

And for the readers who can identify this better, and I quote "What is the most resilient parasite?

An idea, Resilient. Highly contagious"

 Hope we all get infected.

I love you with my words. .

Fading hearts and echoes tonight,
Even songs that don't seem to put me out of my plight.

I listen to my own delight, songs tonight,
That which has long gone and the feelings that have long survived.

I yearn to be a different me every day, one that I might find in you,
How you redefine the way I look, hoping you are looking for something true. 

My hand reaches yours, it grabs a moment that it can hold,
How it waits for the perfect moment sometimes, sometimes just for time to unfold.

You speak to me in earmarked pages of a book that you seemed to have read,
When I remind you, you are like bookmarks in life, that for some reasons will always be kept.

I insist on finding a new world every day, in telling you I am inspired every night,
How the best of me and the best of you, for the best of "us" put up a fight

I love you with no complexities that words can intertwine,
That can make what's close distant; and keep me aloof from this world so mine.

I love you for no reason, there's no reason that I pay such heed,
The reasons might always be there, but for some things there will be no reasons I need.

I love you like music that tonight is somehow not even composed,
Like an idea that isn't born as yet, like a thought that hasn't been proposed.

I write to you with an endless desire, like empty pages to write,
With days that might always stay in our memories still and some that in time have gone by.

I love with my words some that are about love, and yet with no rules for us to abide,
But just a friendship in time that I hope will keep the best of "us" aside.

I love you with complains and regrets that keep the friendship alive most days,
In some reasons that we are imperfect and we keep looking to make the best with that today.

I love you with no reason of mine, to keep you bound and yet so free,
No reason in the heart of time to keep you from even yourself, just for me.

I know not how or when or why the reasons we write but cannot say,
That which remains unsaid , somehow , remains beautiful all this way.

I write to you with no escape from the distant worries that fades your mind,
How I can write to you most days, but how a hug from you feels so warm inside.

I love you with no explanations still, in time my friend I hope we remain the same,
Even if the best of our lives might have gone by, but why we love will always remain.

I love you like endless poems and songs I can't seem to write to an end,
All that I do know most nights is that I love you just the way you are, my dear friend.

Two of a Kind

I think of a day that was ours, and we were two of a kind,
When everything I had was close to me, and closer still were things I called "mine".

I think of the two of us, knowing how it all began,
How I could hear a song sometimes, even though it was silence that we had.

Two of a kind were our hands that held you forever so close,
And every time we could be ourselves, it was something we never chose.

I kept hoping for more, not knowing my feelings would only grow,
And yet there are some things you wish are always clear, things you would never show.

Two of a kind were the moments I had in waiting, in anticipation,
Hoping to find a meaning some days, maybe just to define this relation.

We were called upon by many, we were truly two of a kind some days,
And  some would often ask me why we fell apart, why we went our separate ways.

I would tell myself of lost times, of the smiles we shared most days,
The warm hugs and comfort that we could share, kept aside some way.

Two of a kind were our hopes, our gifts & all the little things we did for each other,
The things that were lost in time, some things that for now we will never bother.

I would listen to you, as you would listen to my complains throughout the night,
And yet all that I could find, the reasons I wanted to know you more, more than the reasons to fight.

I kept thinking of an indifferent day, the day we could be quiet, just the two of us,
And everything that was left behind, seemed to have but only begun.

Two of a kind were my challenges, why knowing you more; could never be complete,
Why I still think of the things I realize what we could wish to have and yet could not receive.

When we were waiting by your home, I smiled for reasons I will never know,
Some of the reasons I lived by all this time and some that I will never show.

Some will ask me, do you look back? do you think of everything you have left behind?
I tell them the same thing I keep telling myself, our time had come, but for me we will
                                                                                                                  always be "Two of a kind"

You spoke to me in a dream tonight

You spoke to me in a dream tonight,
It felt so close and yet so far away, lost when I opened my eyes

And yet I could feel your breath, you felt so real to me
Like a moment in time that was meant to be timed in eternity.

You spoke to me from a distance, not knowing what I spoke back,
Not knowing if I will remember, my words fade that which my recollections lack.

You spoke to me like a friend who was never lost back in time,
And yet I can't seem to shake what we had left far behind.

It came to me like a walk, like a conversation we never had,
Before we went separate ways, the reasons we could never look back.

I think of times that were left behind, why we never asked "why" instead,
Why we never chose to whisper , like a fight we would never pick up again.

You spoke to me like nothing happened, like everything was just fine,
As we stood there painting memories in our head, like the moment endless in time.

I spoke to you about who we were, before we forgot ourselves,
Before everyone who knew us remained behind in memories that we dwell.

You smiled as though we knew things have moved on, and we could start a new,
Like a friendship we never lost, just a phase we knew we could get through.

You came to me in a dream as the sun set and as we spoke till the night was by my side,
As I kept hoping things were just that real, when I would finally open I eyes.

You spoke to me in a dream tonight, if only I could remember what,
How it made sense somehow then and now it seems like things have moved along.

I live in dreams tonight, I had the conversation I never got a chance to have,
Knowing it all meant something, things I wish real life would have said instead.

You spoke to me in a dream tonight with words I can no longer remember
If I only knew things were different now, somehow it was real, it mattered.

I know I can't reach back to you, I can never have the same dream again,
I keep hoping I got my answers tonight, and if not I hope you find the one's you were looking for instead.

Let me start all over again

Let me start all over again, my life; let me rewind,

Let it be the same day like yesterday, that I had in the test of time gone by.

Let me start all over again, when the smiles were true to the heart,

And when voices spoke of the heart's desire, hoping the day would start.

Let me hear closely for my friend's call, when even at a distance; I would find you close,

When it never mattered what we defined we are, just that it's friendship that we chose.

Let me start all over again, when I know my friend was listening back,

I keep looking for her in shadows now, in the many things that I somehow lack.

Let me start with the same faces I knew, the ones I recognized,

The time when in the test of faith, you were always too special to be kept aside.

Broken Flowers by Mindy McGregor

Let me start all over again, with the warm hugs that made my day,

With the faces I knew so well, and the smile that lit my way.

Let me start all over again, when I know you were listening and not simply hearing me out,

When things would always come back to us, our feelings like things there were "lost and found".

Let me start all over again, in the undying hope that I will regain some time,

And you will find what you believed was yours and what I thought was mine.

Let me start all over again, when we made promises to the heart and kept it through,

When the times we couldn't work things out, you were right there, as I was with you.

Let me start all over again hoping today is unending, and we will keep coming back in time,

I will keep hoping for things that remain endless and yet so true, their beauty sublime.

Let me start all over again, when you were listening back, when you read what I wrote; and you cared,

When I could still find a meaning to the things I did every single day, and for every word I shared.

To Friends and Friendships alike

To the many faces, I call my friends,

To unchanging truths, to promises with no ends.

To some coffee cups and tastes in life, some things I could not keep,

To the many talks and fights that lie incomplete somehow still

To some birthday wishes and hugs alike far better than presents tonight,

When all I could wish for is a conversation sometimes, or a reason just to fight

To some broken dreams & hearts tonight, I wish I could fix it too,

I sit endlessly with the pieces still; I wish I could find right glue.

To some treats and foods that you cooked, the ones you thought I liked,

To some silent wishes before I ate then still, hoping I would survive.

To truths and dares and many a games alike, things I would tell you anyways,

The games and cheers and boards are gone, but the feeling seems here to stay.

I look back today and you and me, and how "we" have seemed to change,

And if the world around us seems all but lost, just think it has rearranged

To many a times I stare at the screen, hoping someday you would call,

And hoping you would pick me up, whenever I would fall.

To different worlds and chances still, hoping to grab some time,

Wishing even if everything was lost, at least this friend is mine.

To many a complains that you never call, feeling you don't even care,

Just know I was watching your back, and hoping you were right there.

And the times have changed, and I get cups of coffee still today,

I feel the world beyond me has changed this time, just every single way

To the friend I keep so dear, to the breath I feel so mine,

We might drift apart someday, but our friendship is endless in time

Some will wish you just this day and hope you will understand,

That you are more than a world to me; to me you are everything my friend.